Hat Trick: Yohji in Bitterland
by Apapazukamori
Summary: Yohji traps Omi in a small underground hole.... or, um.... Alice in Wonderland as you've never seen it before. The final installment in my Weiß parody series.


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Title: Hat Trick: Yohji in Bitterland  
Author: Bridget  
Email: bdools@hotmail.com  
Genre: Parody  
Notice: language, ooc, silly, non-yaoi  
Teaser: Yohji traps Omi in a small underground hole.... or, um.... "Alice in Wonderland" as you've never seen it before.  
Keywords: Weiß, Schwartz, Schrient, parody, fairy tale  
Disclaimer: Weiß-tachi are property of Koyasu Takehito and Project Weiß. "Alice in Wonderland" is property of Lewis Caroll.   
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Narrator: Once upon a time, there lived a young man named Yohji.   
  
[Yohji is dragged on stage tied in his own wire by Omi and Ken, who run off before he can free himself and kill them]  
  
Narrator: And though his parents attempted to make him a proper, well-behaved youth, Yohji failed to live up to their expectations. He instead became a chain-smoking, alcoholic skirt-chaser with a thinly disguised Shota Complex.  
  
[Yohji's jaw drops to the floor at this, and he makes small squeaky noises, trying to deny it. Offstage, there is uproarious laughter heard from just about everyone]  
  
Yohji: [weakly] I don't want to do this anymore.....  
  
Narrator: One day, as Yohji skipped class to smoke in the woods behind his house, he began to suffocate and had to rest against a large oak tree.  
  
[Yohji is walking through the woods and then he suddenly begins coughing and breathing harshly. He leans against the tree for support, closing his eyes to rest a moment.]  
  
Narrator: While recovering, Yohji saw something out of the corner of his eye. Always curious, he looked through the trees into the deeper part of the woods.  
  
[He peers into the woods a little, then is nearly run over as Omi sprints past. The boy stops a little ways away, fumbling around in his pockets. He is dressed in a tight, white t-shirt and hotpants with a cotton tail attached to the rear. On his head are a pair of cute, floppy rabbit ears. Omi is blushing furiously, attempting to ignore the way he is dressed.]  
  
White Rabbit: [looks at his watch and yelps] I'm LATE!!! [he bolts]  
  
Yohji: The hell?? [runs after him]  
  
Narrator: Yohji chased the rabbit further into the woods, trying to comprehend a talking animal, let alone one that kept time using a pocket watch.  
  
[Omi ducks into a small crack in a tree and disappears. Yohji manages to squeeze into the hole and immediately begins to plummet down a deep, bottomless hole. He notices his fall beginning to slow, until he simply drifts lazily downward.]  
  
Yohji: Well, this is odd...  
  
Narrator: Yohji fell for what seemed like hours, until his feet touched earth. Suddenly, a door opened and a bright light shone through it. Yohji walked through the door and into a huge room just in time to see the rabbit disappear through a door in the far wall.  
  
[Omi leaps through the door, pulling it shut behind him and Yohji crashes into it trying to follow him.]  
  
Yohji: [rubbing his head] ...itai  
  
Door: Damn straight....  
  
[Yohji stares at the door for a moment. The voice sounds suspiciously like Persia's.]  
  
Yohji: Okay, you're a talking door.  
  
Door: Of course I am!! What else would I be?  
  
Yohji: But... doors... don't.... talk....  
  
Door: Maybe not where you're from pal, but around here, we do. Speaking of which, you're not from around here, are you?  
  
Yohji: No, I'm not. I chased this rabbit and fell down this hole and I somehow ended up here talking to a door.  
  
Door: You were chasing a rabbit? You mean the one that just passed through my frame?  
  
[Yohji nods vigorously.]  
  
Door: [after a pause] Well, there's nothing stopping you from following him, right?  
  
Yohji: [considers this for a moment] I guess not...  
  
[Yohji opens the door, only to reveal another, smaller one behind it]  
  
Door: HA! Fooled you!  
  
Narrator: Yohji opened the smaller door, and then the one behind that, and then that one, until all that remained was a door no bigger than his hand.  
  
Yohji: [fuming] You have *got* to be kidding me! How the hell do I get in?!  
  
Door: [smugly] Well, if you're really interested, you can drink from that bottle on the table.  
  
Yohji: What bottle? What table?  
  
Door: That table, stupid!!  
  
Narrator: Yohji looked around the room and lo, there was a small glass table in the center of the room.  
  
Door: Do they not have tables in this place you're from?  
  
Yohji: [walking over to the table] Shut up....  
  
Narrator: On top of the table was a clear bottle with a tag on it. The tag read "Drink Me."  
  
Yohji: This isn't gonna kill me, is it?  
  
Door: No one's ever died before.  
  
Narrator: Pulling the cork out of the bottle, Yohji took a sip.  
  
[He shrinks about a foot and a half]  
  
Yohji: [is so shocked he nearly drops the bottle] Wa--!  
  
Door: Ah... so *that's* what it does...   
  
Yohji: You mean you didn't know?!  
  
Door: Well, no one's ever actually used it...  
  
Yohji: WHAT?  
  
Door: But it solves your problem, right? You shrink, you can fit through me.  
  
Narrator: Yohji thought long and hard about what the door was telling him. If he could go through the door, he could find the white rabbit and ask him what made him able to talk, and find out where he was.  
  
Yohji: [takes another sip] Hey, this tastes a little like tequila.  
  
[He shrinks another foot]  
  
Yohji: [sip] Bourbon.  
  
[Shrink]  
  
Yohji: [sip] Gin.  
  
[Shrink]  
  
Yohji: [sip] Rum.  
  
[Shrink]  
  
Yohji: [sip] Whiskey. [pauses, chugs the rest down]  
  
Narrator: Yohji drank so much from the magical bottle, before he knew it, he was little taller than a blade of grass.  
  
Door: You're an alcoholic, aren't you....  
  
Yohji: [sees he's not tall enough to reach the doorknob] Hell!!  
  
Door: [sighs] Well, you might be able to crawl though the space beneath me.  
  
Narrator: Yohji tried and found that he just fit. With no word of thanks to the door, he slid through the space and found himself on the other side of the door, which happened to be outside. Taking in a brief dose of sunlight, Yohji thought about what to do next.  
  
Yohji: I'm just going to have to walk around this place until I find that damn rabbit.  
  
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Narrator: After walking for an hour, Yohji happened upon a small clearing marked by two large rocks. Weary and nicotine starved, he sat on one of the rocks to rest.  
  
Rock: Get off me!!  
  
Yohji: [sweatdropping] A talking rock? And I thought the door was bad...  
  
[The rock rolls around until it knocks Yohji off and onto the ground. It then rolls over him a few times before settling. Yohji coughs in the dirt and groans as the rock uncurls to reveal Hel, dressed in red and white striped overalls, geek-glasses and a propeller beanie. Her hair is in pigtails and she is not happy about it]  
  
Yohji: [stares]  
  
Narrator: Curiouser and curiouser! The rock was really a person! The woman turned to the other rock and poked it, and Yohji was extremely startled to hear a voice coming from it.  
  
Rock #2: Don't wanna wake up!!  
  
Woman: Get up!  
  
[Hel kicks the rock and Tot uncurls, eyes teary and wobbly. She is dressed the same as Hel and now she is whining about how mean Hel is]  
  
Yohji: [gaping] Who are *you*?  
  
Woman: I am Tweedle Dee. This is my sister, Tweedle Dum.  
  
Tweedle Dum: [waves, bouncing around Yohji] Hel-lo! Hel-lo! Hel-lo!  
  
Yohji: Okay... uh, can you tell me where I am?  
  
Tweedle Dee: You're here.  
  
Yohji: [glowering] Well, I knew that much. Can you tell me---  
  
Tweedle Dum: A story? Aneki, he wants to hear a story!  
  
Tweedle Dee: A story! We can tell him a story...  
  
Yohji: Actually, that's fine... I can see myself out...  
  
Tweedle Dee: You--  
  
Tweedle Dum: Can't--  
  
Tweedle Dee: Go--  
  
Tweedle Dum: Until--  
  
Tweedle Dee: We--  
  
Tweedle Dum: Tell--  
  
Tweedle Dee: You--  
  
Tweedle Dum: The--  
  
Tweedle Dee & Dum: STORY!  
  
[They get right in his face and Yohji falls over]  
  
Narrator: Not sure what else to do, Yohji allowed the two women to relate the tale they so obviously wanted to tell.  
  
Tweedle Dee: Do you know "The Walrus and the Carpenter"?  
  
Yohji: [laughing pathetically] I'm afraid I don't...  
  
Tweedle Dum: [whacks him over the head with her stuffed bunny] Well that's what we're going to tell you!  
  
[The two women begin to sing together. The scene dissolves into an overhead view of a beach. As the view zooms in, we see Ran walking along with Reiji Takatori. Reiji has long white tusks and whiskers, but is dressed in a nice suit, complete with top hat, spats and a cane. Ran appears normal, is wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, backwards painter's cap and sneakers.]  
  
Tweedle Dee & Dum: The sun was shining on the sea, shining with all his might, he did his very best to make the billows full and bright. And this was odd, because it was the middle of the night. The Walrus and the Carpenter were walking close at hand. The beach was white from side to side but much too full of sand.   
  
Carpenter: Mister Walrus, my brain begins to burke. We'll sweep this clear in half a year, if you don't mind the work.  
  
Walrus: Work? [Reiji slings an arm around Ran's shoulders and laughs merrily. Ran just looks bored.] The time has come to talk of other things! Of shoes and ships and sealing wax! Of cabbages and kings!  
  
Carpenter: Hn.  
  
Walrus: [looking pleased with himself] And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings. Calloo, callay, no work today! We're cabbages and kings! ...   
  
[The two walk farther down the beach, with Reiji practically dragging Ran along. They pass a bed of oysters, who all look like Aya-chan. Reiji is practically drooling.]  
  
Walrus: Oh, uhhh, oysters, come and walk with us. The day is warm and bright! A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, would be a sheer delight!   
  
Tweedle Dee & Dum: But mother Oyster winked her eye and shook her heavy head. She knew too well this was no time to leave her oyster bed.   
  
[Manx sits up in her shell and wags her finger at the little Ayas]  
  
Mother Oyster: The sea is nice, take my advice, and stay right here.   
  
Tweedle Dee & Dum: Mom said.   
  
Walrus: [sputters a moment, then shuts Manx's shell, effectively shutting her up] Yes, yes, of course, of course! But eh... haha! The time has come, my little friends, to talk of other things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings. Haha! Calloo, callay, come run away! We're the cabbages and kings! ...   
  
[Reiji lays out an umbrella and a blanket where he sits comfortably with the Ayas]  
  
Walrus: Hrmmm, well now, uh... let me see... Ah! A loaf of bread is what we chiefly need.   
  
[Ran looks somewhat confused, but wanders off to look for the bread. After he leaves, Reiji turns to the little Ayas]  
  
Walrus: Now, if you're ready, oysters dear... haha... we can begin to feed.   
  
Oysters: [in unison, looking really scared] Feed?   
  
Walrus: [cackles] Oh yes, ahh, the time has come, my little friends, to talk of food and things!   
  
[Ran comes wandering back with a large loaf of bread, some peanut butter, and jelly. Approaching the blanket, he finds Reiji alone and surrounded by a bunch of empty oyster shells]  
  
Walrus: I uh, weep for you, I -uh- oh, excuse me, I deeply sympathize. For I've enjoyed your company, oh, much more than you realize.   
  
Carpenter: [in shock] Little oysters, little oysters...   
  
Tweedle Dee & Dum: But answer there came none. And this was scarcely odd, because, they'd been eaten, every one!   
  
Walrus: Hmm, well, uhhh, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, hmm... the time has come!   
  
[Reiji bolts as Ran advances on him, screaming and waving around his katana. The scene fades back into the forest, where Hel and Tot are finishing up their tale]  
  
Tweedle Dee & Dum: For cabbages and kings!! THE END!  
  
[There is dead silence. Crickets begin to chirp as Yohji attempts to start breathing again]  
  
Yohji: That was disturbing.  
  
Tweedle Dum: We have more!  
  
Yohji: NO! [he jumps up] I'm getting outta here, you people are insane!  
  
Narrator: And so, Yohji was off again, running as fast as possible to escape the storytelling of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Soon out of breath, he found himself totally lost within the dark, strange forest.  
  
Yohji: Great, *now* where am I supposed to go?  
  
Narrator: Yohji stood on the narrow forest path, pondering his options when he heard a voice.  
  
Voice: Mary Ann!!! Mary Ann!!  
  
[Omi comes sprinting towards Yohji, looking around frantically]  
  
Yohji: Finally...  
  
White Rabbit: MARY ANN!! [he is furious, shouting right into Yohji's face] You---ACK! I'm late!! Don't just *stand* there! Do something useful!! Get me my gloves!  
  
Narrator: Yohji stood in surprise as the rabbit ordered him around like a common servant, and a female one at that. Frustrated, the rabbit grabbed Yohji by the arm and pulled him down the path until the two reached a quaint little house in a clearing.  
  
[Omi shoves Yohji towards the door of the house]  
  
White Rabbit: My gloves!! Hurry!! [gives him a kick in the rear to get him moving]  
  
Yohji: [stumbles into the house] O--oi! [he wanders around the house for a bit, finally making his way upstairs, all the while muttering to himself] Rotten slave driver, why can't he get them himself?!  
  
[He spots a dish of candy and swipes a piece, shoving it into his mouth and trying to look like he didn't just do that]  
  
Yohji: Now... if I were a rabbit, where would I put my gloves.... [realizes the stupidity of that question] For crying out loud, why would a rabbit need gloves?   
  
Narrator: Suddenly, Yohji began to grow....  
  
Yohji: [growing quickly] ....... oh shit....  
  
Narrator: He grew so quickly and became so large that he soon found his legs and arms sticking out of the windows and the doors!  
  
Yohji: [in a very uncomfortable and awkward position] I've always wanted to be *big,* but this is ridiculous...  
  
White Rabbit: [from outside] AUGH!! A monster!! There's a monster in my house!!  
  
Yohji: [a little bemused] This coming from a talking rabbit...  
  
[Outside, Omi is running around frantically, kicking at Yohji's feet and poking him with sticks. Suddenly, he gets an idea]  
  
White Rabbit: I know!! I'll *burn* it out!  
  
Yohji: [peeking one eye between the shutters] WHAT?!?!  
  
White Rabbit: Silence monster!! I'll finish you!!  
  
Narrator: The rabbit lit a torch and was all ready to set the house on fire, until he happened to glance at his watch.  
  
White Rabbit: Wa!! I'm late!! [he drops the torch, which extinguishes, and runs off]  
  
Yohji: [watching him go] Wait a second!! Do you have anything to drink?  
  
Narrator: But Yohji received no answer from the rabbit, who was far out of sight by then. For a moment, Yohji simply sat in the house, wondering what on earth to do.  
  
[Yohji adjusts his position, and feels something poking into his back. He fusses around until he can get it out from behind him, and finds that it is a very small bottle with the label "Drink Me"]  
  
Yohji: Well well... how convenient.  
  
[He chugs it down, knowing exactly what will happen when he does, and he shrinks to much smaller than he was before.]  
  
Yohji: What the--[reads the back of the tag, which is now as large as he is] "Use 'super strength drink me' for all your shrinking needs".... [kicks at the huge bottle] Jerk.  
  
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Narrator: And so Yohji, now much smaller than before, made his way through the forest again, totally lost and not happy about it.  
  
Yohji: Have you people ever heard of *signs*? How does anyone know which way to go around here?!  
  
Voice: You could go that way....  
  
[Yohji jumps, startled.]  
  
Yohji: What the...? Who's there?  
  
Voice: Who indeed?  
  
Narrator: Yohji looked up in the tree to see a grinning cat lounging on a tree branch, its tail swaying gently.  
  
[Schuldich is laying along the branch, wearing cat ears and a tail. He regards Yohji with interest]  
  
Cat: [points to the left] You could go that way... but the March Hare lives there.  
  
Yohji: March Hare? Who's he? And for that matter, who are you?!  
  
Cat: [takes off of his head, rolls it around on his finger, then sets it down on the branch and steps onto it] Can you stand on your head?  
  
[Yohji seems much paler than he did before]  
  
Yohji: [stammering] L-look... I'm just trying to find a white rabbit that I've been following.  
  
Cat: White rabbit, hm? [points to the right] You could try and go that way...  
  
Yohji: Who lives there?  
  
Cat: The Mad Hatter... as you would suspect, he's mad...  
  
Yohji: [raises an eyebrow] Well, then I'll stick with the March Hare. [starts to head down the left hand path]  
  
Cat: [genuinely enjoying this] It won't do you any good, he's mad too...  
  
Yohji: [throws his hands in the air] Well I don't want to talk to someone who's crazy!  
  
Cat: [drops down from the tree lithely, circles Yohji appraisingly] That's tough, because you're mad too.  
  
Yohji: [shoves him away] I am NOT!  
  
Cat: [sidles up to Yohji and snakes an arm across his stomach] Oh, but you have to be. [he purrs in Yohji's ear] You see, we're all mad here...  
  
Narrator: And as Yohji watched, the cat began to vanish piece by piece until all that was left was the toothy smile.   
  
Cat: You might have noticed, I'm not..... all there myself.....  
  
Narrator: After a moment, that too faded, leaving Yohji completely alone.  
  
Yohji: [shivers] I don't suppose it would seem pathetic if I really wanted to go home now....  
  
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Narrator: Yohji wandered down the right hand path for some time, hoping to pass through the March Hare's place without catching him at home. The forest began to lighten, and he found himself amid a huge garden of flowers.  
  
[There are roses, gentians, cattylas and freesia, along with various types of daisies towering over Yohji's head. He continues walking, looking up at the flowers owlishly.]  
  
Narrator: It was not long before Yohji, who was not paying attention to where he was going, tripped on something and fell face-first into the dirt.  
  
[Yohji picks himself up, wiping the dirt from his mouth and out of his eyes.]  
  
Yohji: This is *so* not my day....  
  
Voice: Then *whose* day would it be?  
  
Yohji: [whirls around, looking for the source of the voice] Listen up, you furball! I'm not in the mood for your stupid questions!  
  
Voice: Furball? I should hope not.  
  
Narrator: Yohji finally glanced over to a large mushroom and saw smoke rings rising from it. Since he was below the cap of the mushroom, he could not see what was on top of it; so he used three smaller mushrooms as stepping stones, and came face-to-face with a brightly colored caterpillar.   
  
[Yohji stares at Crawford for a moment. The leader of Schwarz is decked out in a finely tailored, multi-colored suit and is lounging against the stem of the plant, smoking a water pipe.]  
  
Yohji: Oh... I thought you were someone else.  
  
Caterpillar: [eyes him contemptuously] *Who* are *you*?  
  
Yohji: Um, well, I'm Yohji.  
  
Caterpillar: And *what*, praytell, is a Yohji?  
  
Yohji: [has his gaze riveted on the pipe] Someone desperately in need of a smoke...  
  
Caterpillar: [sharply] RECITE!  
  
Yohji: Huh?  
  
Caterpillar: Don't you know anything? Recite your lessons!  
  
Yohji: Erm..... a i u e o... ka ki ku ke ko... ta chi tsu te to...  
  
Caterpillar: [blows a ring of smoke at him] Wrong.  
  
Yohji: [inhales the smoke, starts choking on it] Wh-hat? [more coughing]  
  
Caterpillar: You are wrong. As in you are not correct. Try again.  
  
Yohji: [grits his teeth] Iku.... ikimasu... ikanai.... ikenai....  
  
[The Caterpillar blows another ring of smoke at Yohji, but this time Yohji dodges]  
  
Yohji: What is wrong with you?! [throws his hands up in the air] Screw you, I'm leaving...  
  
Narrator: Frustrated, Yohji turned to go, jumping down the way he came. Suddenly, the Caterpillar called out to him.  
  
Caterpillar: Wait!! I have something to tell you!  
  
Yohji: Not interested.  
  
Caterpillar: What did you come here for? What did you want?  
  
Yohji: I kind of stumbled upon here, but actually.... I want to be taller than this. [he indicates his short stature]  
  
Caterpillar: [is a little miffed, adjusts his glasses] There is nothing wrong with this height.  
  
Yohji: If I were as tall as I'm supposed to be, I could squoosh you....  
  
Caterpillar: [frowns] Well, you can use the mushroom.  
  
Yohji: This is another one of those eating things, right?  
  
Caterpillar: One side will make you taller, one side will make you shorter.  
  
Narrator: Hesitantly, Yohji picked a piece of either side of the mushroom. He took a bite out of one side, and found himself shrinking even smaller than he already was.  
  
Yohji: [is yelling at Crawford in a high-pitched, squeaky voice] Jerk!!!  
  
Narrator: Yohji then climbed onto the other piece of mushroom and tried that. To his great joy, he grew back to his normal size. Unfortunately, he squished the mushroom and the caterpillar.  
  
[Yohji looks down at the Crawford/mushroom mush, looks around furtively, and takes some of the mush that was on the 'grow taller' side.]  
  
Yohji: Eight second rule... [he sticks it in his right pocket, and puts the 'grow shorter' piece in his left. Then he walks away, whistling, heading towards the March Hare's house]  
  
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[Yohji is walking along the path when suddenly he hears some cheerful voices coming from a little farther down.]  
  
Yohji: The March Hare must be home. Well, at least he sounds like a happy nut....  
  
Narrator: As Yohji approached the home of the March Hare, the voices became louder, and he could recognize them as singing something.  
  
Voices: .... merry unbirthday, to me! To you? To me! A very merry unbirthday to you! To me? To you...  
  
[Yohji comes upon a table in the middle of the path, set with chairs of various styles and sizes around it, and with about twenty teapots on top of it, there is a particularly huge one right in the center. There are no cups in sight, nor does he see anyone sitting at the table.]  
  
Narrator: Coming closer to the table, Yohji finally saw two people. Well, that is to say that he saw a large hat bobbing behind the large teapot, and someone sitting on the ground at the far end.  
  
[The hat comes around the teapot to reveal Farfarello beneath it, dressed in the oddest ensemble of tartans and checkers (he actually has red and black checkers glued to his pants) one has ever been fortunate to see. He is singing, loudly and off-key, while balancing a teapot on the tip of his knife.]  
  
Mad Hatter: A veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery merry unbirthday...  
  
Voice: To ME and YOU!  
  
[The second voice comes from the person sitting on the ground, who crawls underneath the table to emerge on the other side. Ken looks around, grabs a random teapot and sits down in an overstuffed chair with it. He doesn't drink from it, he doesn't do much of anything with it.]  
  
Yohji: [walking up to the table, muttering to himself] Oh, I see now. It's all becoming very clear to me. This has to be some kind of trip brought on by my hangover from last night...  
  
Narrator: Suddenly, the man in the hat stopped singing and frantically settled himself in a chair.  
  
[Farfarello scrambles into a chair and then sits there silently for a moment. In unison, he and Ken turn to Yohji]  
  
Hatter & Hare: IT!!! [they both then stand and usher Yohji to a chair] Move down! Move down! Move down! [they then sit down on either side of him]  
  
Mad Hatter: [loudly] No room!  
  
March Hare: [as if answering] No room!  
  
[The two grab teapots and hand them both to Yohji. Ken begins to chew on an odd looking roll as he looks at Yohji]  
  
March Hare: It's very rude, you know, to sit down without being invited.  
  
Yohji: [raises an eyebrow] ..... You put me here.  
  
Mad Hatter: No room! [prods at Yohji with his knife]  
  
Narrator: Seeing how he had stumbled into seemingly hostile territory, Yohji fumbled for an excuse.  
  
Yohji: Well..... I, uh, enjoyed your ....singing.... so much that I had to, um, come over and see.   
  
Mad Hatter: You liked our singing? You're nice. TEA! [hands Yohji a pot]  
  
Yohji: [takes the pot because he just doesn't know what else to do] Uh, thanks. Sorry I interrupted your birthday party...  
  
March Hare: Oh, is it your birthday?  
  
Yohji: Ah, no.  
  
March Hare: Well, then it isn't a birthday party! We, that is, me and he, were celebrating our *un*birthdays.  
  
Yohji: You lost me.  
  
March Hare: [gets out of his chair and sits on the table] You see, everyone has a birthday, but you only get one. However, you get three-hundred-and-sixty-four *un*birthdays to make up for the single birthday. Get it?  
  
Yohji: Okay, I think I understand now. Then if it's not my birthday, today's gotta be *my* unbirthday too.  
  
Mad Hatter: Well then merry unbirthday to you!!  
  
[Ken hands him a cupcake with a candle, which Yohji dutifully blows out. There is a small explosion and when the smoke clears, Nagi is poking his head out from inside the giant teapot in the center of the table]   
  
Doormouse: [sleepily] Twinkle twinkle little bat, how I wonder what you're at. Up above the world you fly, like a tea tray in the sky..... [goes back into the teapot, not long afterward snoring can be heard]  
  
Yohji: Okay then...  
  
Mad Hatter: [loudly, in typical non-sequitor fashion] How does a raven hurt God like a writing desk?  
  
Yohji: Um, I don't know. [quickly changes the subject] Hey, can you tell me if a white rabbit passed by here?  
  
Narrator: However, both ignored him. Instead, they moved to the ends of the table and commenced shooting a teapot across the table at each other. The man in the hat failed to catch the pot and it fell off the table and broke into many pieces.  
  
March Hare: [throws his arms up] Goooooooooooaaaaaaal!!!  
  
Mad Hatter: [turns to Yohji] There's no such thing as a white rabbit. [chucks a teapot at Ken's head, but the brunette dodges]  
  
Yohji: [looking as if he desperately wants to leave] Um, well, the cat said I could---  
  
[Nagi pops out of the teapot, looking around in a panicked fashion]  
  
Doormouse: CAT? CAT? Where's the cat? [begins to throw things around telekinetically until Ken and Farfarello dogpile him]  
  
March Hare: Quick, the butter!   
  
[Farfarello hands him a baseball bat]   
  
March Hare: That'll work...   
  
[He whacks Nagi on the head with the bat, and Nagi is out cold. They both turn and glare at Yohji]  
  
Yohji: [nervously] I guess that settles that then...   
  
Narrator: Suddenly, the white rabbit sprinted towards them, leaped over the table, and disappeared down the path.  
  
Yohji: And *that's* my cue. Bye!  
  
[Yohji bolts, knocking his chair over in the process. As he leaves, he can hear the two nutcases take up their song once more.]  
  
Voices: [growing steadily quieter] Aaaaaaaaaaa very merry unbirthday, to me! To you? To me! A very merry unbirthday to you! To me? To you...  
  
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
Yohji: [leaning against a tree, trying to catch his breath] This is crazy. Why in the hell am I following that stupid rabbit anyway? I should be looking to get outta here. I should be trying to go home and stop trying to talk to the people around here. [pauses] I should listen to the damned advice I keep giving myself, it might do me some good someday. [sighs, looks around at yet another desolate, strange forest and sits down disconsolately on the ground] What the hell do I do now?  
  
Narrator: Then, Yohji heard a strange singing.  
  
Yohji: Oh God, not again... [looks for someplace to hide]   
  
Voice: "... coming to take me away, haha hoho heehee haha...."  
  
[Schuldich appears out of nowhere to sit in Yohji's lap. He is smoking a cigarette that never seems to burn down, of which Yohji is instantly jealous of]  
  
Yohji: Wa! You!!  
  
Cat: [deadpan] Of course it's me. [takes a long drag] Who did you expect? A white rabbit, maybe?  
  
Yohji: NO! I'm so done with rabbits... I just want to go home.  
  
Cat: [throws his arms around Yohji's neck] You can't leave me!  
  
[Yohji shoves Schuldich off his lap]  
  
Yohji: Can you tell me how to get out of here? I've been looking, but I can't find my way...  
  
Cat: Duh. You can't find your way because you *have* no way. All ways are the Queen's ways.  
  
Yohji: Queen? I haven't met any queen.  
  
Cat: [extinguishes the cigarette, and runs a hand through his hair] Oh, you should. She'd be mad to see you... absolutely *mad*...  
  
Yohji: [eyes him warily] I'll bet. [stands and brushes himself off] So which direction do I go in to meet this queen?  
  
Cat: [points up] Some people go that way....  
  
Yohji: [rolls his eyes] Figures.  
  
Cat: [points behind him] Or they go that way. [wags a finger in front of Yohji's face] I, however, prefer to take the shortcut.  
  
Yohji: Shortcut?  
  
Narrator: Without a word, the cat pulled a branch off of a nearby tree and the ground fell away beneath Yohji's feet.  
  
Cat: [matter-of-factly] Shortcut. Ja ne, lost boy. [he blows a kiss as Yohji falls]  
  
Narrator: Yohji fell only a short distance, landing on his back in the middle of a large row of rose trees.  
  
Yohji: [rubbing his head] I should have known it would be something like that... [looks around] This doesn't look too threatening. Maybe this queen will be sane...  
  
Narrator: Yohji made his way through the trees, seeing no one until he came upon a group of cards clustered around a tree with white roses.  
  
[The cards are Birman (ten of hearts), Maki (eight of hearts) and Tomoe Sakura (six of hearts). They each have a heard tattooed on their foreheads, and have a huge number written over the front of their shirts a la Team Rocket, which indicates which card they are. They are frantically rationing out red paint and Birman climbs a ladder and begins to paint over the white color]  
  
Yohji: What on earth are you people *doing*?  
  
Six of Hearts: [nearly drops her brush on Maki] Ah!!! Keep your voice down!!  
  
Eight of Hearts: [joins Sakura in shushing Yohji as she looks around nervously] If you're not quiet, *she* might hear you....  
  
Ten of Hearts: [from her position on top of the ladder] She always seems to.  
  
Yohji: Who might hear?  
  
Eight: [whispering] The Queen!  
  
Yohji: Oh good, so there really is a queen. I'm on my way to see her, can you tell me how to get there?  
  
Six: [paling] You're going to see her?!  
  
Eight: Don't tell her you saw us!  
  
Yohji: Why? And by the way, why are you painting the roses red?  
  
Ten: Someone screwed up and planted white rose trees. The Queen only likes red roses.  
  
Eight: [nodding] If she found out about it, we'd lose our heads.  
  
Yohji: [skeptical] You're kidding, right? Over some stupid little thing like that?  
  
Six: Shhhh!!! It's not stupid to *her*!  
  
[Trumpets sound in the distance. Birman panics and nearly falls off the ladder]  
  
Ten: She's coming!!!  
  
Six: [whines] We're all going to die!  
  
Yohji: Gimme a brush, I'll help you.  
  
Narrator: The four managed to paint all of the roses on the tree red just as the Queen's entourage approached.  
  
[Sakura, Birman, Maki and Yohji all line up in front of the tree. Yohji tosses his brush into a bush in order to hide it. He notices Omi heading the royal procession, with trumpet in hand]  
  
Yohji: The rabbit...!  
  
White Rabbit: Make way! Make way for Her Royal Majesty, Her Excellency, Her Grace.... the Queen of Hearts!  
  
[Schoen passes the women, eyeing them all in turn before stopping in front of Yohji. Meanwhile, Takatori Masafumi has weaseled up to Omi and tries to get his attention. Omi sighs in exasperation before gesturing to him]  
  
White Rabbit: [in a "whatever" kind of voice] And the King....  
  
[Schoen is still staring down Yohji, when suddenly a drop of red paint falls on his head. He looks up and gets another drop in his eye.]  
  
Yohji: Dammit! [rubs at it, effectively spreading the paint all over his face]  
  
Queen: [touches one of the roses, and her hand comes away red] What is this? Who has been painting the roses red? Who is going to *pay* for me getting my beautiful white hand dirty?!  
  
[There is a collective gulp from the cards]  
  
Cards: [each points to the other] It was *her.*  
  
Queen: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!! Off with *all* their heads!! [she wipes her hand off on Masafumi's lab coat] OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!  
  
Yohji: [irritated at the grating laughter] Hey wait a minute!! They were just trying to make everything the way you wanted it....  
  
Queen: [eyes him] Who is this?  
  
King: [pulls out his microscope and attempts to look at Yohji with it] It's not a Heart... maybe it's a club?  
  
Queen: [whacks Masafumi] It's not a card, it's a man! [leers at him]  
  
Yohji: [quickly] Well, yeah, last time I checked. Anyway, I was wondering--  
  
Queen: Speak up! And do not have those sunglasses on while you are addressing me. They are so last season, OHOHOHOHO!  
  
Yohji: [takes the sunglasses off] I was *wondering* if you could help me find my way home--  
  
Queen: "Your" way? All ways are *my* ways!  
  
Yohji: So I've heard. But anyway--  
  
Queen: Do you play croquet?  
  
Yohji: What's that?  
  
White Rabbit: [nudges Yohji, in a low voice] If you don't know how to play, you lose your head....  
  
Yohji: Oh. Sure I do. Was my high school champ four years running.  
  
Queen: I do not know this "high school." Come, let us play.  
  
Narrator: The Queen of Hearts led Yohji to a large playing field, where one of the card attendants handed him a hedgehog and a flamingo.  
  
Yohji: [has no idea what to do with them] Um, we had different rules at my school....  
  
Queen: [menacingly] You do not know the rules?  
  
Yohji: [gulps, then looks around] Who said that? I know I didn't....  
  
Narrator: When the Queen was satisfied, she signaled the beginning of play.  
  
[Schoen pulls out her whip and beats the poor flamingo until it stiffens from head to toe, then grabs it by the feet. She drops her hedgehog onto the ground and it rolls up into a ball. She whacks at the hedgehog with the head end of the flamingo and the poor little creature flies down the field, where it passes through a whole bunch of wickets before slamming into a tree. The various cards and people in the royal entourage clap appreciatively. Schoen gestures for Yohji to take his turn]  
  
Yohji: Okay... [tries to get the flamingo to stiffen up, but it just kind of hangs there and the hedgehog stabs him with its spines.] OW!! Goddammed little fu--  
  
Queen: Are we having trouble?  
  
Yohji: N-no... [he drops the hedgehog and kicks it, and miraculously, it passes through all the wickets. The crowd gasps and looks from Yohji to Schoen nervously]  
  
Queen: [bristling] We shall.... play another round.  
  
Narrator: The Queen prepared to hit her ball a second time, when Yohji saw the Cheshire Cat standing by her, watching appraisingly.  
  
[Schuldich is watching Schoen with a look of barely restrained laughter]  
  
Cat: How's it going?  
  
Yohji: [while fighting with his flamingo] It's not.  
  
Cat: Sorry to hear that....  
  
Yohji: Liar.  
  
Queen: [turns around sharply] What did you say?  
  
Yohji: N-nothing, Majesty... Just talking to a cat...  
  
Queen: [turns to look, but Schuldich has disappeared] What cat?  
  
Yohji: Um... [Schuldich reappears on Schoen's other side] Right there!  
  
Narrator: Despite the cat being right beside her, the Queen could not see it. She turned to Yohji, extremely annoyed.  
  
Queen: I warn you, if I lose my temper, you lose your head!!!! Understand?!?!  
  
[Yohji nods dumbly, and Schoen goes back to setting up her shot. Schuldich leans over to watch her, then looks at Yohji without straightening up]  
  
Cat: You know, we could really piss her off. I'll bet it's not hard. You want to try?  
  
Yohji: [hissing at him] Are you nuts?!  
  
Cat: [raising an eyebrow] Don't ask questions you know the answer to. [He lifts Schoen's whip from her belt and snaps it experimentally]  
  
Yohji: [nearly has a heart attack] You're going to get me killed!!  
  
Cat: But what a way to go, ne? [winks at Yohji and then cracks the whip right over Schoen's behind]  
  
Queen: [jumps ten feet in the air, shrieking furiously]  
  
White Rabbit: Uh-oh...  
  
Yohji: Crap. [drops his flamingo and looks ready to run]  
  
Queen: [lands in an ungraceful heap, then jumps up, looking ready to kill] Someone's head will roll for this....  
  
Yohji: [lamely] It really wasn't me...  
  
Queen: Off with his head!! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!  
  
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*  
  
King: [in an ornery, "I want attention" kind of way] Dear, wouldn't it be better if we had a trial?  
  
Queen: [bewildered] Trial?  
  
King: Yes, a trial. With evidence and hypotheses and experiments....  
  
Queen: [eyes Masafumi as the man gets an insane glint in his eyes, she then turns to Yohji] I suppose....  
  
[The cards sweep Yohji off his feet and run at top speed to the castle, where there is a large courtroom set up. By the time Yohji gets there, Schoen is already in her seat, and a jury is assembled]  
  
Narrator: The Queen opened the trial upon which Yohji's life rested. The accused glanced around the court and found the jury filled with odd-looking animals and humans. In the gallery, he noticed Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, along with the Mad Hatter and March Hare.  
  
[From the gallery, Tot waves happily in Yohji's direction. Hel smacks her upside the head and she calms down. Ken and Farfarello are yuking it up in their seats, throwing crumbs and teacups at people. Yohji sighs.]  
  
White Rabbit: [stands up near Schoen's seat, with a long scroll that he begins to read from] Your Majesty, ladies and gentlement of the court, members of the jury, loyal subjects...   
  
[Masafumi coughs]  
  
White Rabbit: [rolls eyes] .... and the King.... the prisoner at the bar is charged with luring Her Most Esteemed Majesty, the Queen of Hearts, into a game of croquet--  
  
Yohji: What?!  
  
Queen: Silence!! [to Omi] Continue.  
  
White Rabbit: And upon coercing her into playing, he willfully teased, tormented, battered, inflected brutal torture--  
  
Queen: [is getting bored] Get to the part where I lose my temper.  
  
White Rabbit: [skims the scroll] Blah blah blah, thereby causing the Queen to lose her temper.  
  
Yohji: [exasperated] What the hell kind of charge is that?  
  
Queen: [grinning maliciously at Yohji] Are you ready for your sentence?  
  
Yohji: [apalled] Sentence? You need a verdict first!  
  
Queen: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!! Sentence first! Verdict after!  
  
Yohji: [muttering] That's not the way you do it...  
  
Queen: All ways are *my*--  
  
Yohji: Oh shut up!  
  
Queen: [turns a lovely fucia] Off with his--  
  
King: Dear.... maybe we could have one or two witnesses? You know, to make it look official and irrefutable...  
  
[Schoen looks like someone's just stolen her thunder, and she's rather ticked off about it. However, Masafumi gives her a puppy face and she relents]  
  
Queen: Fine, but get on with it!  
  
King: Call the first witness!  
  
White Rabbit: The court calls the March Hare.  
  
[Ken takes the stand and Schoen looks mad enough to spit. She is about to order his head off when Masafumi claps a hand over her mouth]  
  
White Rabbit: Mr. Hare, what do you know about all this?  
  
March Hare: Nothing.  
  
White Rabbit: Huh? You don't know anything?  
  
March Hare: [shakes his head] Nothing whatsoever. [grins]  
  
Queen: That's important!! Members of the jury, be sure to write that down!  
  
Jury Members: [writing] Very important...  
  
Yohji: "Important" my ass.   
  
Narrator: The white rabbit dismissed the March Hare and called his next witness: the Doormouse.  
  
White Rabbit: [circling Nagi like a predatory animal] Well, what do you have to say?  
  
Doormouse: [yawning and rubbing his eyes] Twinkle twinkle little bat...  
  
Queen: [extatic] That's the most important piece of information yet!  
  
Jury Members: [writing again] Twinkle twinkle....very important....  
  
Yohji: [slumping in the defendent's box] This is nuts...  
  
White Rabbit: The Mad Hatter!  
  
[Farfarello attacks the witness stand, stabbing at it with his knife. After it is suitably ruined, he sits down happily]  
  
Queen: [knocks his ridiculously large hat off his head] Off with your hat!  
  
Mad Hatter: My hat? Hee hee....  
  
White Rabbit: [massages his temples] Where were you when this terrible event ocurred?  
  
Mad Hatter: At home, drinking tea. Today is my unbirthday.  
  
King: Why, it's my unbirthday too!  
  
Queen: It is?  
  
Hatter & Hare: [gleefully] It is?!  
  
[Farfarello and Ken jump around Masafumi, singing]  
  
Yohji: [looks around for something to hang himself with] Oh, I give up.  
  
Narrator: Suddenly, amidst all the frivolous celebration, Yohji spotted the Cheshire Cat.  
  
[Schuldich fades in, piece by piece, and finally appears on Schoen's head]  
  
Yohji: [pointing frantically] Look, *there* he is now!  
  
[The partying stops.]  
  
Queen: What? Who?  
  
Yohji: That damned cat!!  
  
[Nagi starts to freak out]  
  
Doormouse: C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-at? CAT? CAT! CAT! CAT!  
  
[Seeing the ruckus he's just caused, Yohji begins to swear in several languages. Schuldich hops down and sits by him, laughing the whole time. Nagi is finally caught by Farfarello and Ken, but not before he throws Omi into Schoen and Masafumi, causing the judge's box to collapse. The three tumble to the floor, and when Schoen finally gets to her feet, she is royally pissed off]  
  
Queen: OFF WITH HIS HEAD!  
  
Yohji: This is getting kind of old... [he sticks his hands in his pockets and then brightens] The mushroom!  
  
Narrator: Yohji ate the remaining mush from the mushroom in his right pocket, the one that would make him grow larger. As the Queen's cards attacked, Yohji grew taller than everyone in the room, reaching right up to the roof.  
  
Yohji: [sweeps the cards away] Feh, I'm not afraid of you. [he looks waaaay down at Schoen] *Especially* not you. You're just a fat, stupid, shallow..  
  
[As Yohji starts insulting Schoen, he begins to shrink. By the time he is done, he is back to his orginial height]  
  
Yohji: ...annoying, old, h-hag.... [audible swallow]  
  
Queen: [pulls out her whip] What were you saying, my dear boy?  
  
Yohji: [panicking] Noth-  
  
[Schuldich is suddenly visible to all]  
  
Cat: [crows] He said you're a fat, stupid, shallow, annoying, old hag!!  
  
Queen: That's it! I want his head!  
  
[Yohji smacks Schuldich upside the head and then bolts, running through the cards and out the castle door. He manages to gain some speed and pulls out way ahead of the rampaging Schoen]  
  
Narrator: Yohji ran for his life. As he ran, he passed all the places he had been to on his strange adventure: the rose garden, the March Hare's tea party, the White Rabbit's home, the forest where he met Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, until he finally reached the door that had given him the bottle and thereby started the whole mess.  
  
[Yohji runs up to the door and is now too big to fit through it.]  
  
Yohji: Door, I need another of those 'drink me' bottles.  
  
Door: [smugly] I'm not going to enable your habit. You had plenty the last time.  
  
Yohji: Why you--  
  
[He moves to kick the door, but then he hears the mob approaching]  
  
Yohji: [gets on his knees in order to peer directly at the door] Listen, you *have* to help me! The queen is coming, I've gotta get to the other side!  
  
Door: But you *are* on the other side.  
  
Yohji: .... what?  
  
Door: [opens] See for yourself...  
  
Narrator: Looking through the door, Yohji saw himself lying up against a tree, fast asleep.  
  
Yohji: I'm sleeping?   
  
[The horde gets closer, Yohji can hear Schoen laughing and yelling her token phrase]  
  
Yohji: [shouting through the door] Dammit Yohji, wake up!! Yohji! Hey stupid, wake up! Yohji....  
  
[Yohji's voice is slowly overlapped by another as the mob attacks and everything fades to black]  
  
Ken's Voice: Yohji! Come on, wake up Yohji!  
  
Ran's Voice: The idiot probably suffocated....  
  
Omi's Voice: Yohji-kun, wake up!! You're going to be late!  
  
[Yohji opens his eyes to see his friends peering down at him. They're wearing typical Japanese schoolboy uniforms. The author drools for a while. He startles awake, immediately checking to make sure his head is still attached to his body]  
  
Yohji: [blinks] It's still there!!  
  
[Ran, Omi and Ken look at each other, confused. The turn back to Yohji]  
  
Yohji: I had the weirdest dream. [turns to Omi] You were in it.... [to Ken] and you... [finally to Ran] and even you! There were all these talking animals and oysters and playing cards...  
  
Omi: [eyes him worriedly] Yohji-kun, are you okay?  
  
Yohji: [smiles at him] Actually, I'm just fine, Omitcchi.  
  
Ken: [shakes his head, then pulls Yohji to his feet and drags him along] Come on, Cancer Stick. If we miss English Lit because we had to haul your ass to class, I will strangle you.  
  
Omi: Ken-kun, hidoi!  
  
[Omi chases after the pair, while Ran follows nonchalantly, hands in his pockets]  
  
Ran: [to himself with a slight smile] Caloo calay, no work today.....  
  
*-*-Owari-*-* 


End file.
